Are you a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself taken off your own path and busy trying to keep other people happy?  Do you find that when you start something you want others to value it too?

On yesterday’s Manifesting Excellence call I answered a question which many will resonate with (paraphrased for confidentiality):

“Why do I feel so afraid to follow my own path?  I’m trying, but I start feeling guilty about everyone else.  I want people to like what i like and then get down when they don’t.  Then I start thinking I should change something to make them like what I’m doing.”  (excerpted)

 

Does any of this resonate with you?  Do you find yourself out of your flow or “up and down” because of others?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to look into this:

1 – What emotions come up for you if you don’t do what will please others?

Identify which emotions are you ‘attaching’ to this dynamic with this person.  The first step is awareness, after that you can do something about it.

For some people it could be emotions, for example, around abandonment or survival.  These can be strong in ‘attaching’ them to others.  You want to be around others from the natural expression of your own spirit and empowerment, not from a place of ”need’ or validation.

 

2 – What would happen if this person wasn’t in your life?

What would you feel?  What would be missing?  This is not for someone to not be in your life, but for you to be aware of the emotions you have attached to this dynamic which are taking up space and energy from what you want.

In having awareness of this you can release these emotions and have space for the relationship with this person that you DO want - that is if you choose to have anything to do with them and if it is healthy for you to do so.

 

3 – What would happen (or not happen) or what would you feel if you followed your path?

Do you need any validation or confirmation from others about what you do?
What would happen or not happen if you didn’t get this validation or approval from others?
How would you feel about it?  How does it make you feel about yourself?  What thoughts come up for you?
What if others are against what you do?  How does it make you feel?  What emotions come up in you?

 

What experiences have you had or are you having in relation to others?
What have you found has worked for you in dealing with it?

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

 

If you’d like to access the audio of the call yesterday where I answered this in detail you can access it at Manifesting Excellence.

 

Cockatoos and Macaw

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8 Comments

  1. Posted April 14, 2013 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    Greetings Hemal, It’s interesting that I’m reading this blog post now. I’m currently in a class with about 4 other women who are trying to understand why we feel we have to please people all the time.

    I do feel that I need validation and approval from others. Hate to say this, and it sounds so cliche, but I never got the validation from my parents. What I got from them was, “You’re not smart enough”, “You should do it this way because you’re way is wrong”.

    Although I am over 60 years old, those old messages are still haunting me. I strive to get them out of my head – but they pop into my life regularly.

    Thanks for your post – it’s always good to re-visit what troubles us.

    Eydie :)

  2. Posted April 14, 2013 at 9:04 pm | Permalink

    Thanks, Eydie! How synchronistic is that!?

    That’s ok re: it being from parents. What’s important is what you are *currently* carrying from it…the thoughts, beliefs, notions. Whilst the situation with your parents may be in the past, what are the remnants of it?

    It is then about giving yourself that, whether it be validation, love, acknowledgement, etc. In a sense ‘filling yourself up’ with it, so you are finding it within – you are becoming your own referential source, so to speak, for it than looking outside of you. You will also find this influences your relationships (for the better) as energetically things will happen.

    Thank you :)

  3. Posted April 14, 2013 at 9:08 pm | Permalink

    Hemal, I think in general that women that are mothers and/or wives tend to be “people pleasers”. In some cases, it has nothing do with the expectations of people. I also felt an expectation to say yes even when I did not want to. I have decided that I will be a little selfish now and only do what I want to do. I need to do this in order to have time to fulfill my dreams.

    • Posted April 14, 2013 at 9:20 pm | Permalink

      I know what you mean, Adrienne.

      And realise that as you follow your own instincts you are guiding others to do that (such as your children) for themselves too. And it doesn’t mean you do not please others, but start with pleasing you too. In you keeping yourself in balance you have far more to offer others also.

  4. Posted April 14, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Permalink

    Hi Hemal, I have found the more abandonment from my childhood that I clear out, the less I feel the need to people please. Of course that means I can be agreeable, but I dont do it to be liked. We are pack animals, and so like to feel connected to others, but not at the expense of ourselves.

    • Posted April 14, 2013 at 10:59 pm | Permalink

      Hi Kate,

      Yes, I find whichever emotions it is, for example ‘survival’ type stuff for others (which can also be connected to abandonment), when people clear it, like you say, it frees up their connections with others.

      Yes, it’s having interactions from our power rather than trying to fulfil a need because of ‘wounds’ in the past.

      Thanks, Kate : )

      • Posted April 14, 2013 at 11:03 pm | Permalink

        Those wounds from the past are very powerful, being in the subconscious rather than the conscious. I do feel they have gems and gifts in them though, when we free up their energy and heal them, in order for us to have more power in the now.

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